Tuesday, August 31, 2004
Black says he's whiter than white;
Everyone else scoffs, "Yeah, right!"
And now he's not boss,
Hacks write without gloss
The man's just a thieving fat shite.
Everyone else scoffs, "Yeah, right!"
And now he's not boss,
Hacks write without gloss
The man's just a thieving fat shite.
// posted by Jarmo @ 11:12 PM 
Monday, August 30, 2004
If every town takes out an Asbo,
Where will we put all the yobbos?
Some folks are for hangin'em;
I say give 'em Dagenham...
With John Prescott in the mayor's job, though.
Where will we put all the yobbos?
Some folks are for hangin'em;
I say give 'em Dagenham...
With John Prescott in the mayor's job, though.
// posted by Jarmo @ 10:04 PM
Saturday, August 28, 2004
Kelly has won double-gold
By being dogged and bold;
That's what makes heroes,
While only zeroes
Run half their race and then fold.
By being dogged and bold;
That's what makes heroes,
While only zeroes
Run half their race and then fold.
// posted by Jarmo @ 11:53 PM
Friday, August 27, 2004
Old Ayatollah Sistani
Said, "'Ere, 'ere, what's with this barney?
Troops, out of town!
And Sadr, calm down!
Else I'll be back, just like Arnie."
Said, "'Ere, 'ere, what's with this barney?
Troops, out of town!
And Sadr, calm down!
Else I'll be back, just like Arnie."
// posted by Jarmo @ 7:57 AM
Thursday, August 26, 2004
The dreaded Department of Work
Will crack down on any who shirk;
Yet behind the scenes
It seems "hard work" means
Downloading porn for a jerk.
Will crack down on any who shirk;
Yet behind the scenes
It seems "hard work" means
Downloading porn for a jerk.
// posted by Jarmo @ 5:43 PM
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
Mark, Mrs T's wayward son,
In Guinea is gonna get done;
For plotting with traitors,
Though fascist dictator's
A job better left to his mum.
In Guinea is gonna get done;
For plotting with traitors,
Though fascist dictator's
A job better left to his mum.
// posted by Jarmo @ 5:59 PM
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
This Be The Worst Weather
They fuck you up, your rain and flood,
They may not mean to, but they do,
They fill your streets with sewer-mud,
And cover crops with thick mildew.
Rain pours down misery on rain,
So make sure your roof doesn't leak;
Get in before the hurricane
They're forecasting for late this week.
They fuck you up, your rain and flood,
They may not mean to, but they do,
They fill your streets with sewer-mud,
And cover crops with thick mildew.
Rain pours down misery on rain,
So make sure your roof doesn't leak;
Get in before the hurricane
They're forecasting for late this week.
// posted by Jarmo @ 11:24 PM
Monday, August 23, 2004
Paula pulled out of her race,
Crying she couldn't keep pace;
She's not, in the heat,
So hot on her feet
(Like lots with a freckly face.)
Crying she couldn't keep pace;
She's not, in the heat,
So hot on her feet
(Like lots with a freckly face.)
// posted by Jarmo @ 5:30 PM
Sunday, August 22, 2004
The Scream has been snatched from its place
By art thieves with shotguns and mace...
But it looks the same
If you put a frame
Around the curator's stunned face!
By art thieves with shotguns and mace...
But it looks the same
If you put a frame
Around the curator's stunned face!
// posted by Jarmo @ 11:35 PM
Saturday, August 21, 2004
A radical sheikh in Najaf
Said, "Get the hell out of my gaff!
Though Bush says I'm sinister,
Soon I'll be minister -
That's what I call the last laff!"
Said, "Get the hell out of my gaff!
Though Bush says I'm sinister,
Soon I'll be minister -
That's what I call the last laff!"
// posted by Jarmo @ 10:27 AM
Friday, August 20, 2004
As the Bush campaign mud spatters,
Kerry's 'Nam rep lies in tatters,
And so now he's spending
All his funds defending
Himself... 'stead of what really matters.
Kerry's 'Nam rep lies in tatters,
And so now he's spending
All his funds defending
Himself... 'stead of what really matters.
// posted by Jarmo @ 11:21 PM
Thursday, August 19, 2004
A-levels, some oldies say,
Aren't as tough as in our day;
Kids' triumph seems hollow
'Cos it's hard to swallow
They're smarter in every way.
Aren't as tough as in our day;
Kids' triumph seems hollow
'Cos it's hard to swallow
They're smarter in every way.
// posted by Jarmo @ 9:44 AM
Wednesday, August 18, 2004
Police have put cuffs on the wrists
Of eight second-rate terrorists,
And though they've been charged,
Their leaders (at large)
Still plot away in our midst.
Of eight second-rate terrorists,
And though they've been charged,
Their leaders (at large)
Still plot away in our midst.
// posted by Jarmo @ 11:47 AM
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
In Boscastle, where there are witches,
You can't tell the roads from the ditches,
'Cos a bloody great flood
Turned the whole place to mud...
I guess their spells suffered some glitches.
You can't tell the roads from the ditches,
'Cos a bloody great flood
Turned the whole place to mud...
I guess their spells suffered some glitches.
// posted by Jarmo @ 1:04 AM
Monday, August 16, 2004
A horny Home Sec, David Blunkett,
Had an affair - who'd've thunk it?
He said, "Ma'am, I'm blind,
So if you don't mind,
Just grab my old fella and dunk it."
Had an affair - who'd've thunk it?
He said, "Ma'am, I'm blind,
So if you don't mind,
Just grab my old fella and dunk it."
// posted by Jarmo @ 10:19 PM
A couple of cops on the job
(Dispersing a porn movie mob)
Gave a whole other hue
To the phrase 'boys in blue'...
On screen, helmets covered in gob.
(Dispersing a porn movie mob)
Gave a whole other hue
To the phrase 'boys in blue'...
On screen, helmets covered in gob.
// posted by Jarmo @ 11:11 AM
Sunday, August 15, 2004
In Florida, Hurricane Charley
Raged hard as Hell's wind on a Harley;
"It wasn't enough,"
She sighed with a huff,
"I wanted Jeb's head in finale!"
Raged hard as Hell's wind on a Harley;
"It wasn't enough,"
She sighed with a huff,
"I wanted Jeb's head in finale!"
// posted by Jarmo @ 11:28 PM
Saturday, August 14, 2004
The Games have returned home to Greece
Though ancient Olympian athletes
Were men of pure will,
With great strength and skill...
Not bike-crashing, drug-taking cheats!
Though ancient Olympian athletes
Were men of pure will,
With great strength and skill...
Not bike-crashing, drug-taking cheats!
// posted by Jarmo @ 12:16 AM
Friday, August 13, 2004
A serial rapist named Hoare
Has won a huge rollover draw;
He'll get it although
We're hollering "No!"...
Just like all his victims before.
Has won a huge rollover draw;
He'll get it although
We're hollering "No!"...
Just like all his victims before.
// posted by Jarmo @ 12:22 AM
Thursday, August 12, 2004
Home Office wonks now suggest
Police get more powers to arrest
Inane litter-bugs...
Though gun-wielding thugs
Cause them, it seems, no unrest.
Police get more powers to arrest
Inane litter-bugs...
Though gun-wielding thugs
Cause them, it seems, no unrest.
// posted by Jarmo @ 4:19 PM
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
Howard exclaims, "Elect me,
And police'll no more be PC,"
But were we that nuts,
He'd introduce cuts
And claim he'd said "no more PCs".
And police'll no more be PC,"
But were we that nuts,
He'd introduce cuts
And claim he'd said "no more PCs".
// posted by Jarmo @ 2:49 AM
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
A long-winded columnist, Bernard,
Was witty, irrev'rent and learned,
But all that he said
Upon his death bed
Was crap incoherently murmured.
Was witty, irrev'rent and learned,
But all that he said
Upon his death bed
Was crap incoherently murmured.
// posted by Jarmo @ 5:47 PM
Monday, August 09, 2004
Water firms pooh-pooh the ills
Of Brits peeing out Prozac pills;
But p'raps it's a plot
To make sure we're not
Peed off at spiralling bills.
Of Brits peeing out Prozac pills;
But p'raps it's a plot
To make sure we're not
Peed off at spiralling bills.
// posted by Jarmo @ 12:15 PM
Sunday, August 08, 2004
Next time the oil wells catch fire,
One expert won't be for hire:
The last blaze that Red
Will meet now he's dead
Is that of his funeral pyre.
One expert won't be for hire:
The last blaze that Red
Will meet now he's dead
Is that of his funeral pyre.
// posted by Jarmo @ 11:31 PM
Saturday, August 07, 2004
No sharp satirical spoof
Could top Dubya's latest dumb goof:
"I'm doing my best
To harm the US..."
Slip-up? Sounds more like the truth!
Could top Dubya's latest dumb goof:
"I'm doing my best
To harm the US..."
Slip-up? Sounds more like the truth!
// posted by Jarmo @ 12:08 PM
Friday, August 06, 2004
Experts say mad cow disease
Will likely bring loads to their knees
As one out of two
Brits' brains turn to goo...
Spesh'ly those fond of McD's.
Will likely bring loads to their knees
As one out of two
Brits' brains turn to goo...
Spesh'ly those fond of McD's.
// posted by Jarmo @ 11:15 AM
Thursday, August 05, 2004
Although water oughta be free,
It's gonna clean out you and me,
'Cos firms in control
Want profits to roll...
But aren't they just taking the pee?
It's gonna clean out you and me,
'Cos firms in control
Want profits to roll...
But aren't they just taking the pee?
// posted by Jarmo @ 12:53 PM
Wednesday, August 04, 2004
Every keen mountaineer
Should keep a Viagra pill near:
When climbing at length,
It gives one lung-strength...
And somewhere to hang heavy gear!
Should keep a Viagra pill near:
When climbing at length,
It gives one lung-strength...
And somewhere to hang heavy gear!
// posted by Jarmo @ 3:27 PM
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
The Tories are tapping a vein
By pledging to vanquish the pain
Of speed-camera fines
And motorway whines,
But will it make voters change lane?
By pledging to vanquish the pain
Of speed-camera fines
And motorway whines,
But will it make voters change lane?
// posted by Jarmo @ 11:11 AM
Monday, August 02, 2004
Al Qaeda says, "We're gonna hurt y'all
By turning Wall Street to a dirt-ball,"
But topple some bricks,
And trading still ticks,
Since all of the money is virtual.
By turning Wall Street to a dirt-ball,"
But topple some bricks,
And trading still ticks,
Since all of the money is virtual.
// posted by Jarmo @ 11:14 AM
Sunday, August 01, 2004
Seems that the FA's Mark Palios
Only revealed sly Sven's dalliance
In order to hide
His bit on the side,
But now he's the one saying adios.
Only revealed sly Sven's dalliance
In order to hide
His bit on the side,
But now he's the one saying adios.
// posted by Jarmo @ 11:44 PM
