I'll be performing a short set at the Plough in Wood Street, Walthamstow, London E17 on the evening of Thursday 3rd February as part of the 'Laughing Horse New Act of the Year 2005' competition. Winner of the heat is decided by audience votes.

As for the new songs (and surprises) promised in October, well they're written and ready to record, but unfortunately my crackly old sound card has finally given up the ghost, so I'm waiting until I get a new system (some time in early '05) before I lay down any new tracks.

Also, my missus is up the duff, so much of my spare time is currently being spent on house-clearing and other dad-to-be duties. Sorry, Headpaste fans, you'll just have to wait a little longer...

Chiz chiz,
Jarmo.

Quick update - I've just posted some new limericks (both literary and licentious) on Jarmo's FROG. I'll also shortly be unveiling a new comedy song or two and (I hope early next year) something a bit more substantial... Watch this space. I'll also be announcing another gig in the not-too-distant future, though I'm still in the process of reworking my live act. Please keep an eye on the site for details.

By the way, if you enjoy Jarmo's TOAD, please spread the word...

Jarmo will be performing live at The Amused Moose in Camden on Monday
21st June as part of the So You Think You're Funny 2004 showcase.

The show starts at 8.30pm.

The Amused Moose, Camden
The Enterprise
Haverstock Hill
London NW3
(Nearest tube Chalk Farm)
Bookings on 0208 341 1341

A companion blog for Jarmo's TOAD, where I'll be posting occasional original odes (mainly limericks) that aren't topical enough for the TOAD. Some will be funny, some will be sick, and just one or two of them might make you think.
Click here to view Jarmo's FROG (Fairly Random Odes Generally)

New blog, Jarmo's TOAD (Topical Odes Almost Daily) is up now at:
www.headpaste.com/toad.html

Does what it says on the tin.

I've recently been trying to get to grips with Flash in a bid to add visuals to some of my songs. My first (very slapdash and unoptimised) effort is effectively a JPG slideshow for "I Fuckin' Ate Lord of The Rings" (up on the home page now), but if your machine is more than about three years' old, the visuals probably won't keep up with the music. Sorry 'bout that. My next effort will, I hope, be marginally better produced.

I've had to take down the Wire II Soul bootleg for the time being to make room for the new comedy stuff. It was the least downloaded of the bootlegs, but if anyone wants a copy, email me.

Two new comedy MP3s up on the home page now .

What Lord Hutton's statement *should* have sounded like:
Right click here and 'save as' to download MP3 (800Kb)

First comic creation of 2004 - tracking the tragic trajectory of a trans-'tronic tryst... Download from the home page now.

My latest comedy number. Al Qaeda does hip-hop. Download from the home page now.

Just something my mate Stu and I were mucking about with the other day. It's a trip-hoppy mash-up featuring samples from Dobie, Hendrix, Hashisheen, DJ Rap and a dalek. Download the MP3 (6.5Mb) here.

Three of my home-made bootleg MP3 mixes are now available for download here.

(Wire vs Soul II Soul, Jamiroquai vs Prodigy, Tito Puente vs Human League)

"With the Internet, even an inbred redneck hillbilly can become an expert in particle physics..."

New song up on the home page now.

A quick ditty for all those who can't stomach spicy food. It's on the home page now. I couldn't find any instrumental versions of the "Shake 'n' Vac" tune on the Web to use as backing, so this is the Cackapella Version.

Thought I'd try my hand at a bootleg remix. "Ope Yomo Ha" is a four-minute mash-up of Tito Puente's "Oye Como Va" and the Human League's "Open Your Heart". Some of the loop joins are a little slapdash as I did the whole thing manually in CoolEdit, but - hey - I don't think it's bad for a first attempt. I'm not planning to put a link up on the home page, as it doesn't really fit in with the comedy stuff, but you can download the file (3.6Mb) by right-clicking here.

A gobful of gastronomic grotesquerie. I actually wrote this as a comic verse some time ago, but given recent pronouncements about the addictive nature of fast food, I decided to spruce it up with some suitable samples and give it a new lease of life. Download from the home page now.

Those of you who don't get on with MP3s can now download and play my comedy songs in RealMedia format. If you still have trouble, it's probably because you need to download the RealOne Player from www.real.com. The sound quality isn't quite as good, but the files are about a third of the size of the equivalent MP3s and should play direct from your browser with a left-click in most cases.

Just removed some of the dead wood from the site, including the 'Rants and writings' and 'Electroclash experimentation' sections. Also added a small links section, which I'll be expanding over time.

Just posted my latest oeuvre, "The Jargon Song" - a techie take on Tom Lehrer's "The Elements". Go to the homepage to check it out. Sorry about all the hiss and crackle, but I'm working with a faulty soundcard at the moment and don't want to upgrade until I can afford a decent one. I've also recently added some more samples to "The Futurologist's Last Forecast" and a Bill Gates cutup to fill the instrumental break in "The Internet Song". The new versions of both are up now. That's it for now - watch this space for news of upcoming live shows.

Yes, yes, I know the site hasn't been updated for ages, but I've been far
too busy whoring myself in a desperate bid to meet the mortgage repayments.
Well, that's not wholly true. I also suffer from ILD (innate laziness
disorder), which physically prevents me from editing and uploading HTML
pages by making me collapse on the couch whenever the thought crosses my
mind. For that reason, I've just put this blog up here so I can post my
latest creative endeavours without fiddling about with HTML tags and FTP.

In terms of actual content - well, the homepage has just been updated to
include my latest MP3 - "The Futurologist's Last Forecast". A version of
the song has been published in the BBCi Book of The Future, although some
half-witted copy editor decided to change it so it no longer scanned.
Anyway, I've now set the correct version to some monged beats and added
appropriate sample cut-ups. Enjoy!

Other new content added includes a Headpaste strip (well, a single-frame
South Park pastiche, anyway), and a short rant about bland body art called
'Decoration'. See the home page.

Of course, this blog also gives me the opportunity to vanity-publish any
old cack I produce quickly and easily, meaning an inevitable dip in
quality as I post all sorts of half-arsed attempts at satire or comedy
that would normally have lingered on my hard drive for months before I
realised they weren't funny and deleted them. However, if there's too much
shite clogging it up, I'll archive it and put links to any half-decent
stuff up on the home page.

Er, that's it for now.