Why-ough-why?
Why say Slough Slough and not sluff,
When it's enough, rough and chough?
And why cough not cuff?
And though and not thuff?
This language is toe-tow*-toff-tough!
*Rhyming with cow
When it's enough, rough and chough?
And why cough not cuff?
And though and not thuff?
This language is toe-tow*-toff-tough!
*Rhyming with cow
SMS Limerick #1
KTLADo4T
S4A5RV0E
4MT6X
Yî
>NEB4C
Translation:
Katy, a lady of 40,
Is, for a fiver, v.naughty...
"For empty, sick sex,
Why, I, Sir, can flex
Greater than any before, see!"
S4A5RV0E
4MT6X
Yî
>NEB4C
Translation:
Katy, a lady of 40,
Is, for a fiver, v.naughty...
"For empty, sick sex,
Why, I, Sir, can flex
Greater than any before, see!"
Uncle Disgusting
Uncle Disgusting is coming to stay:
His hair is all matted and half going grey,
His fingers are sticky, his nails are black
And all of his clothing is covered in cack.
He slumps on our sofa and belches and farts
And scratches his arse as he watches the darts;
His face is all itching with flakes of dried phlegm;
He picks a few off with the end of my pen.
He gobs in the fire grate, he pees on the seat,
He sneezes on all of the food that we eat;
He scrapes up stray snot with the peak of his hat
And then wipes it off on the back of the cat.
The odours unleashed when he takes off his shoes
Are part Gorgonzola, part Glastonbury loos;
The boil on his brow's always bulging with pus
And he always threatens to burst it on us.
He loves to leave floaters for others to find
And streaks on the pan from his filthy behind;
He's not washed his hands since nineteen eighty-one:
They harbour more germs than a German whore's bum.
He won't order take-away food to the door:
Most of his meals he just finds on the floor;
He snacks on the larvae that live on his skin
And mushrooms that sprout from the folds in his chin.
He rolls up his earwax in little brown balls
And cheers when he flicks one that sticks to the walls,
And if you think that's quite disgusting enough
He'll work in some freshly-farmed bottom-crack fluff.
He stinks of stale urine and musty old sweat,
And why is his crotch so suspiciously wet?
Some scabby detritus falls out of his fly,
He claims if we eat it we'll get really high.
Manners aren't everything, he always says,
Before nipping off for a wank on our beds.
Uncle Disgusting is coming to stay;
Excellent Mum! Can we stay up and play?
His hair is all matted and half going grey,
His fingers are sticky, his nails are black
And all of his clothing is covered in cack.
He slumps on our sofa and belches and farts
And scratches his arse as he watches the darts;
His face is all itching with flakes of dried phlegm;
He picks a few off with the end of my pen.
He gobs in the fire grate, he pees on the seat,
He sneezes on all of the food that we eat;
He scrapes up stray snot with the peak of his hat
And then wipes it off on the back of the cat.
The odours unleashed when he takes off his shoes
Are part Gorgonzola, part Glastonbury loos;
The boil on his brow's always bulging with pus
And he always threatens to burst it on us.
He loves to leave floaters for others to find
And streaks on the pan from his filthy behind;
He's not washed his hands since nineteen eighty-one:
They harbour more germs than a German whore's bum.
He won't order take-away food to the door:
Most of his meals he just finds on the floor;
He snacks on the larvae that live on his skin
And mushrooms that sprout from the folds in his chin.
He rolls up his earwax in little brown balls
And cheers when he flicks one that sticks to the walls,
And if you think that's quite disgusting enough
He'll work in some freshly-farmed bottom-crack fluff.
He stinks of stale urine and musty old sweat,
And why is his crotch so suspiciously wet?
Some scabby detritus falls out of his fly,
He claims if we eat it we'll get really high.
Manners aren't everything, he always says,
Before nipping off for a wank on our beds.
Uncle Disgusting is coming to stay;
Excellent Mum! Can we stay up and play?
The Limericist's Limerick
The first line should set up your scene,
The second expound what you mean;
The next two you face
Must quicken the pace
For a punchline that makes readers beam.
A syllable-count's a conceit;
You gotta remember the beat:
Shoehorn the scansion
As best as you can, son,
And where you can't find a rhyme, cheat.
The second expound what you mean;
The next two you face
Must quicken the pace
For a punchline that makes readers beam.
A syllable-count's a conceit;
You gotta remember the beat:
Shoehorn the scansion
As best as you can, son,
And where you can't find a rhyme, cheat.
Bard Stupid
Reading his works today, Shakespeare
Might say, "God's wounds! These are fakes, dear!
They're none of them mine,
Except Cymbeline...
And why isn't Rumps, Romps and Rapes here?"
Might say, "God's wounds! These are fakes, dear!
They're none of them mine,
Except Cymbeline...
And why isn't Rumps, Romps and Rapes here?"
Malt Frisky
During a tour of Talisker
Men grabbed my missus to frisk 'er;
I asked, "You suspect
She's a terrorist threat?"
They said, "No, she's just got nice tits, Sir!"
Men grabbed my missus to frisk 'er;
I asked, "You suspect
She's a terrorist threat?"
They said, "No, she's just got nice tits, Sir!"
Wilde Wood
Wit of repute Oscar Wilde
Was in his time quite reviled...
For some aphorism?
No, shooting his jism
Into young men he beguiled.
Was in his time quite reviled...
For some aphorism?
No, shooting his jism
Into young men he beguiled.
Dec 'n' Ant Daze
Dunno who's Ant and who's Dec?
Run through this rhyme as your check...
Ant, so it's said,
Is the boss-eyed slap-head
And Dec is the dwarf with no neck.
Run through this rhyme as your check...
Ant, so it's said,
Is the boss-eyed slap-head
And Dec is the dwarf with no neck.
"What the Me...?!"
If he saw telly, Charles Dickens
Might say, "Try reading, you chickens!
My works weren't just meant
For Sundays at Lent
And underworked actors' rich pickings!"
Might say, "Try reading, you chickens!
My works weren't just meant
For Sundays at Lent
And underworked actors' rich pickings!"
Irregular Behaviour
A snivelling six-year-old, St. John,
Wailed, "Lemme play cowboys and T. johns!"
But his mother from Beaulieu,
Herself quite unreaulieu,
Slapped him and said, "Stop your wt. john!"
Wailed, "Lemme play cowboys and T. johns!"
But his mother from Beaulieu,
Herself quite unreaulieu,
Slapped him and said, "Stop your wt. john!"
Faol Pelt
A crofter from close by Caol Ila*
Scrapes a wage as a waol dila,
Though when Daisy's dead
He'll sell sheepskin instead,
But then he won't shear her, haol pila.
*Pron. kuh-lee-la
Scrapes a wage as a waol dila,
Though when Daisy's dead
He'll sell sheepskin instead,
But then he won't shear her, haol pila.
*Pron. kuh-lee-la
Potter Rotters
Author of note J.K. Rowling
Set rival writers a-scowling...
Some say she's a witch;
Yet more, "Jammy bitch!"
Jo though's just down the bank, howling.
Set rival writers a-scowling...
Some say she's a witch;
Yet more, "Jammy bitch!"
Jo though's just down the bank, howling.
Morning-turd Crescent
I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue
Is great when you're sat on the loo;
You ponder and strain,
Groan now and again...
And soon will come round number two.
Is great when you're sat on the loo;
You ponder and strain,
Groan now and again...
And soon will come round number two.
Five-line Philosophy
If you seek life's secret then take it;
Beware, though, there's plenty that fake it,
So I say it straight:
Whatever your faith,
The secret is life's what you make it.
Beware, though, there's plenty that fake it,
So I say it straight:
Whatever your faith,
The secret is life's what you make it.
What's Another Lear?
The limericist Edward Lear
Is thought the form's prime pioneer,
But all his last lines
Just used the same rhymes,
That lazy old cunt, Mr Lear!
Is thought the form's prime pioneer,
But all his last lines
Just used the same rhymes,
That lazy old cunt, Mr Lear!
Carroll Stinger
Wonderland man Lewis Carroll
Kept placing Alice in peril...
While his looking-glass
Was trained on her arse:
Naked, bent over a barrel.
Kept placing Alice in peril...
While his looking-glass
Was trained on her arse:
Naked, bent over a barrel.
Share Collapse
A stockbroker from Hemel Hempstead,
When asked would he swing said, "I'm tempted,"
Adding on sight
Of his neighbour's nude wife,
"Must go, though - bins need to be emptied."
When asked would he swing said, "I'm tempted,"
Adding on sight
Of his neighbour's nude wife,
"Must go, though - bins need to be emptied."
Nantucket Revisited
A rather riled man from Nantucket
One day flipped his lid and yelled, "Fuck it!
The odes are all wrong;
My knob's not that long,
And my loot's in a bank not a bucket!"
One day flipped his lid and yelled, "Fuck it!
The odes are all wrong;
My knob's not that long,
And my loot's in a bank not a bucket!"
The Geek's Skipping Rhyme
Microsoft hotshot
Slipshod code bod
Kilobyte oversight
Overnight exploit
Rear hatch, no patch
Update too late
Mail-worm outbreak
Click-click: mistake
Malware in there
Deft hack: DoS attack
Pentagon web-bombed
Umpteen blue screens
Bill Gates shame-faced
Log trace, swift chase
SWAT team act tough
Spotty teen handcuffed
Hard drive analysed
Charged, tried: inside!
Beg appeal, smart deal
Share tricks, job fixed
Rose ranks, tech star
Full bank, sports car
Time's done, spark's gone
Move on: Redmond!
[...and repeat from start]
Poetic Injustice
Some opine those who pen limericks
With poets aren't worthy to mix;
They scoff, "The rhyme's rude,
And the rhythm too crude..."
The up-their-own-arse little pricks!
With poets aren't worthy to mix;
They scoff, "The rhyme's rude,
And the rhythm too crude..."
The up-their-own-arse little pricks!
Burning Issue
Contraction Pains
For twits who mix up it's and its,
Here's how to hit on which fits:
It has and it is
Need apostrophes,
But in its (possessive) none sits.
Here's how to hit on which fits:
It has and it is
Need apostrophes,
But in its (possessive) none sits.
Relatively Eternal
Albert Einstein realised
Time's a dimension disguised...
Forever we stretch
'Twixt birth-date and death,
And, relatively, no one dies.
Time's a dimension disguised...
Forever we stretch
'Twixt birth-date and death,
And, relatively, no one dies.
Moley Communion
A man with a mole on his member
Said, "It's been there since September;"
"How it got there, who knows,"
"Nor do I suppose"
"The shrew up my flue will remember."
Said, "It's been there since September;"
"How it got there, who knows,"
"Nor do I suppose"
"The shrew up my flue will remember."
Sheep Dipso
A slaughter-bound sheep they called Dorsey
Said: "I won't drink so don't force me!"
But they filled up her trough
With neat creme de menthe,
In hope she might taste more mint saucy.
Said: "I won't drink so don't force me!"
But they filled up her trough
With neat creme de menthe,
In hope she might taste more mint saucy.
Acne Carriage
Why is it folks make a fuss
Whene'er I squeeze spots on the bus?
I do it in silence,
With minimal violence,
And always lick up the stray pus.
Whene'er I squeeze spots on the bus?
I do it in silence,
With minimal violence,
And always lick up the stray pus.
Ode for a Toilet Door
Busting or not, when I finish
Spraying the pan with my winnits,
If you hear the flush,
I'd really not rush...
Far better to give it ten minutes.
Spraying the pan with my winnits,
If you hear the flush,
I'd really not rush...
Far better to give it ten minutes.
