Jarmo's TOAD (Topical Odes Almost Daily)

Visionary sci-fi writer Arthur C Clarke dies aged 90

Jarmo — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 12:37:00 +0000

So Arthur C Clarke's life is done,
And well past 2001.
A loss to Sri Lanka?
Or just an old wanker
Who took teenage boys up the bum?

Manchester Police chief found dead at foot of cliff

Jarmo — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 01:18:00 +0000

Manchester Police chief Mike Todd
Fell with an almighty plod;
His job? Well, they'll hand it on...
But unlike James Anderton*
He really has met with with God.

*Former Manchester Police chief who claimed God spoke to him.

Separated-at-birth twins discover relationship after marrying

Jarmo — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 01:20:00 +0000

If your spouse is your sibling, who knows
The turmoil through which your mind goes...
I say be impetuous:
Keep it incestuous
(Just don't bank on kids with ten toes.)

PM to give go-ahead for nuclear UK

Jarmo — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 11:50:00 +0000

Brown says it's green to go nuclear;
Why, then, do some folks feel blue here?
'Cos he's whitewashed distaste
For a black hole of waste
That never decays - happy new year!

Clinton defies polls to take New Hampshire for Democrats

Jarmo — Wed, 09 Jan 2008 13:23:00 +0000

Hillary turned on the tears,
And voters, it seems, were all ears...
'Cos Barack Obama,
Although quite the charmer,
Ended the count in arrears.

Brown finalises Cabinet overhaul

Jarmo — Thu, 28 Jun 2007 11:13:00 +0000

Our new PM's in the throes
Of picking who stays and who goes,
And ministers know,
If they don't want to go,
They'd bloody well better Brown-nose!

Brown launches leadership bid

Jarmo — Tue, 15 May 2007 13:48:00 +0000

Now Tony's said 'see ya later'
Labour is switching dictator
And no doubt the crown
Will go to G.Brown
(Whom it's said's some mass debater.)

Blair announces departure date

Jarmo — Thu, 10 May 2007 13:10:00 +0000

So, Tony's going in June
And not a moment too soon
Now he'll start life anew
Somewhere people won't boo...
Antarctica p'rhaps, or the Moon.

Police search Walthamstow homes in terror operation

Jarmo — Thu, 17 Aug 2006 11:32:00 +0000

Recruits of al-Mujahideen
Believe Western freedom's obscene,
So they're plotting the deaths
Of us folks from the West...
In glorious East 17!

Dell recalls millions of potentially explosive laptops

Jarmo — Wed, 16 Aug 2006 12:11:00 +0000

Buying a laptop from Dell
Could send all your data to hell:
If it bursts into flames
You'll find all that remains
Is simply a smouldering shell.

French nuclear industry set to benefit after Labour gives go-ahead for new reactors

Jarmo — Tue, 11 Jul 2006 15:57:00 +0000

Blair says new nuclear plants
Will fuel New Britain's advance:
"Stuff green innovation
And micro-generation...
Let's give French business huge grants!"

Deputy PM's ex-lover sells story to tabloids

Jarmo — Sun, 30 Apr 2006 21:40:00 +0000

Two Jags, Two Jabs - now Two Shags:
Prescott’s a gift to the wags...
His secretary’s tum
Got splashed with his come
And now it's splashed over the rags.

Jowell hubby linked to Berlusconi bribe and Mafia dealings

Jarmo — Fri, 03 Mar 2006 23:32:00 +0000

A minister's husband named Mills
Has caused her immeasurable ills...
But say, "She should quit!"
And she'll have you hit
By mobsters who pay all her bills.

Sir Menzies ("Mingaz") Campbell wins Lib-Dem leadership race

Jarmo — Thu, 02 Mar 2006 23:44:00 +0000

Some Lib-Dems say of Sir Menzies:
"Really, what hope can he brenzies?"
But p'raps being ruled
By someone who's bald
Will bring 'em more luck than two genzies!

Free speech campaigners celebrate "faith hate" bill defeat

Jarmo — Wed, 01 Feb 2006 01:38:00 +0000

Quite legally TOAD can declare
To hardcore believers like Blair:
Your faith is a joke;
Christ's mum fucked a bloke...
Who knows, p'raps Mohammed was there?

Government loses 'faith hate' vote by one after Blair leaves early

Jarmo — Wed, 01 Feb 2006 01:35:00 +0000

A PM with God as a hobby,
Said atheists mustn't be gobby;
If that's God's design,
Why, Tony, no sign
To shift your own arse through the lobby?

Hughes comes out following gay chat-line revelation

Jarmo — Thu, 26 Jan 2006 14:15:00 +0000

Simon Hughes, leading Lib-Dem contender,
Said he’d stick to the party’s agenda,
But got stuck up the bum
By a sting in the Sun
And was forced to admit, “I’m a bender.”

Mark Oaten quits Lib Dem front bench after rent boy revelations

Jarmo — Sat, 21 Jan 2006 21:45:00 +0000

Down on the Lib Dem front bench
There's odious stench after stench:
First alcohol fumes,
Now some rent boy's spume
Seeping from Oaten's back trench.

Thames Whale dies during rescue attempt

Jarmo — Sat, 21 Jan 2006 20:41:00 +0000

Willy, a Thames-going whale,
Floundered and couldn't turn tail
Then was hauled up above
With some "blubberly love"
(And blubbing, as rescuers failed.)

"Darwin's Rottweiler" Dawkins challenges religion in C4 documentary

Jarmo — Mon, 16 Jan 2006 23:26:00 +0000

Dawkins, a god among dons,
Says all religions are cons
And now is the season
To fight them with reason...
You first, Dick - these nuts have bombs!

Hamza had bomb-making manual, court told

Jarmo — Thu, 12 Jan 2006 13:57:00 +0000

Abu says the lawyers are liars;
He never fanned terrorist fires...
Just preached it was wiser
To pack fertilizer
While using his hook to strip wires!

Catholic cultist Kelly waved through paedophile PE teacher

Jarmo — Wed, 11 Jan 2006 22:15:00 +0000

A paedo who taught kids PE
Was put in his job by Kell-ee...
Opus Dei enthusers
Expect child abusers
To hold posts of authori-tee.

Blair outlines Respect initiative

Jarmo — Tue, 10 Jan 2006 22:13:00 +0000

A tired Prime Minister, Tony
Trots out the same bunch of pony...
In the New Labour lexicon
All talk of respect's a con
And policy all skin, no boney.

Galloway slammed for Big Brother appearance

Jarmo — Mon, 09 Jan 2006 23:47:00 +0000

Galloway, mav'rick MP,
Hoped to get votes on BB,
But who'll re-elect
The man from 'Respect'?
He's clearly lost his, you see.

Kennedy quits after colleagues withdraw support

Jarmo — Sat, 07 Jan 2006 20:37:00 +0000

Charlie said, "Yes, I'm a boozer;
Let's have a fight (a real bruiser!)"
But the dread knockout punch
Came today after lunch
When all his mates said, "You're a loser!"