Jarmo's TOAD (Topical Odes Almost Daily)

Visionary sci-fi writer Arthur C Clarke dies aged 90

2008-03-19T12:37:00.002Z

So Arthur C Clarke's life is done,
And well past 2001.
A loss to Sri Lanka?
Or just an old wanker
Who took teenage boys up the bum?

Manchester Police chief found dead at foot of cliff

2008-03-13T01:18:00.002Z

Manchester Police chief Mike Todd
Fell with an almighty plod;
His job? Well, they'll hand it on...
But unlike James Anderton*
He really has met with with God.

*Former Manchester Police chief who claimed God spoke to him.

Separated-at-birth twins discover relationship after marrying

2008-01-14T01:20:00.002Z

If your spouse is your sibling, who knows
The turmoil through which your mind goes...
I say be impetuous:
Keep it incestuous
(Just don't bank on kids with ten toes.)

PM to give go-ahead for nuclear UK

2008-01-10T11:50:00.000Z

Brown says it's green to go nuclear;
Why, then, do some folks feel blue here?
'Cos he's whitewashed distaste
For a black hole of waste
That never decays - happy new year!

Clinton defies polls to take New Hampshire for Democrats

2008-01-09T13:23:00.000Z

Hillary turned on the tears,
And voters, it seems, were all ears...
'Cos Barack Obama,
Although quite the charmer,
Ended the count in arrears.

Brown finalises Cabinet overhaul

2007-06-28T12:13:00.001+01:00

Our new PM's in the throes
Of picking who stays and who goes,
And ministers know,
If they don't want to go,
They'd bloody well better Brown-nose!

Brown launches leadership bid

2007-05-15T14:48:00.001+01:00

Now Tony's said 'see ya later'
Labour is switching dictator
And no doubt the crown
Will go to G.Brown
(Whom it's said's some mass debater.)

Blair announces departure date

2007-05-10T14:10:00.000+01:00

So, Tony's going in June
And not a moment too soon
Now he'll start life anew
Somewhere people won't boo...
Antarctica p'rhaps, or the Moon.

Police search Walthamstow homes in terror operation

2006-08-17T12:32:00.000+01:00

Recruits of al-Mujahideen
Believe Western freedom's obscene,
So they're plotting the deaths
Of us folks from the West...
In glorious East 17!

Dell recalls millions of potentially explosive laptops

2006-08-16T13:11:00.000+01:00

Buying a laptop from Dell
Could send all your data to hell:
If it bursts into flames
You'll find all that remains
Is simply a smouldering shell.

French nuclear industry set to benefit after Labour gives go-ahead for new reactors

2006-07-11T16:57:00.000+01:00

Blair says new nuclear plants
Will fuel New Britain's advance:
"Stuff green innovation
And micro-generation...
Let's give French business huge grants!"

Deputy PM's ex-lover sells story to tabloids

2006-04-30T22:40:00.000+01:00

Two Jags, Two Jabs - now Two Shags:
Prescott’s a gift to the wags...
His secretary’s tum
Got splashed with his come
And now it's splashed over the rags.

Jowell hubby linked to Berlusconi bribe and Mafia dealings

2006-03-03T23:32:00.001Z

A minister's husband named Mills
Has caused her immeasurable ills...
But say, "She should quit!"
And she'll have you hit
By mobsters who pay all her bills.

Sir Menzies ("Mingaz") Campbell wins Lib-Dem leadership race

2006-03-02T23:44:00.000Z

Some Lib-Dems say of Sir Menzies:
"Really, what hope can he brenzies?"
But p'raps being ruled
By someone who's bald
Will bring 'em more luck than two genzies!

Free speech campaigners celebrate "faith hate" bill defeat

2006-02-01T01:38:00.000Z

Quite legally TOAD can declare
To hardcore believers like Blair:
Your faith is a joke;
Christ's mum fucked a bloke...
Who knows, p'raps Mohammed was there?

Government loses 'faith hate' vote by one after Blair leaves early

2006-02-01T01:35:00.000Z

A PM with God as a hobby,
Said atheists mustn't be gobby;
If that's God's design,
Why, Tony, no sign
To shift your own arse through the lobby?

Hughes comes out following gay chat-line revelation

2006-01-26T14:15:00.000Z

Simon Hughes, leading Lib-Dem contender,
Said he’d stick to the party’s agenda,
But got stuck up the bum
By a sting in the Sun
And was forced to admit, “I’m a bender.”

Mark Oaten quits Lib Dem front bench after rent boy revelations

2006-01-21T21:45:00.000Z

Down on the Lib Dem front bench
There's odious stench after stench:
First alcohol fumes,
Now some rent boy's spume
Seeping from Oaten's back trench.

Thames Whale dies during rescue attempt

2006-01-21T20:41:00.000Z

Willy, a Thames-going whale,
Floundered and couldn't turn tail
Then was hauled up above
With some "blubberly love"
(And blubbing, as rescuers failed.)

"Darwin's Rottweiler" Dawkins challenges religion in C4 documentary

2006-01-16T23:26:00.000Z

Dawkins, a god among dons,
Says all religions are cons
And now is the season
To fight them with reason...
You first, Dick - these nuts have bombs!

Hamza had bomb-making manual, court told

2006-01-12T13:57:00.000Z

Abu says the lawyers are liars;
He never fanned terrorist fires...
Just preached it was wiser
To pack fertilizer
While using his hook to strip wires!

Catholic cultist Kelly waved through paedophile PE teacher

2006-01-11T22:15:00.001Z

A paedo who taught kids PE
Was put in his job by Kell-ee...
Opus Dei enthusers
Expect child abusers
To hold posts of authori-tee.

Blair outlines Respect initiative

2006-01-10T22:13:00.000Z

A tired Prime Minister, Tony
Trots out the same bunch of pony...
In the New Labour lexicon
All talk of respect's a con
And policy all skin, no boney.

Galloway slammed for Big Brother appearance

2006-01-09T23:47:00.000Z

Galloway, mav'rick MP,
Hoped to get votes on BB,
But who'll re-elect
The man from 'Respect'?
He's clearly lost his, you see.

Kennedy quits after colleagues withdraw support

2006-01-07T20:37:00.000Z

Charlie said, "Yes, I'm a boozer;
Let's have a fight (a real bruiser!)"
But the dread knockout punch
Came today after lunch
When all his mates said, "You're a loser!"